Google+ Bree Bronson's Babies: All my relationships fail

Thursday, March 21, 2013

All my relationships fail

...said Husband once when we had a fight. He referred to his ex-girlfriend who had left Husband and he didn't understand why. So he thought it's pointless to make an effort with me as well because our relationship would fail anyway. I've soon spent seven years with Husband and I think I know why his relationships have failed. I wish he would realize it himself as well - I've tried to give him a whole lot of hints. So, honey, here's my wishlist:

Work less

We (and your firm) would do just fine even if you would work a little less. It's not about money. You don't handle stress very well and become quite a handful when you're tired or stressed out. You bitch about everything to me and I have to be constantly on my tiptoes if I don't want to become your target. You yell at the kids and treat them badly. So your work is not all about you, it concerns all of us. Also, I can't prevent you from killing yourself with work but you can't expect me to do the same thing. Because when you're at work, I take care of everything at home.

Respect your woman

There are things you're not very good at. Some of these things are such that other people, including me, are better at them than you. Deal with it. You're good at many things but your skills aren't the only valuable ones. If you would value my skills higher and allow us to combine them with yours, we would make a hell of a team.

Give space to her

You want to do certain things undisturbed and that's great, they're in your territory. So be my guest. But I want to have my territory as well, I'm no different in that sense. So get the hell out when I'm decorating the house. And oh, cooking doesn't count. Because I fucking hate the everyday cooking project but I can't let the kids go around hungry either. So, hint: you're more than welcome in the kitchen.

Behave

You're a grown-up guy, start behaving like one. I know my food tastes ok so it would be polite if you'd try it one of these days. Also, there's no reason to scream fuck and hell if you lose the garage key. Go look for it instead. You would go nuts if I'd treat you like you sometimes treat me. I'm a member of no church but a certain Jesus guy put it quite well: treat other people like you want to be treated yourself. Think about it!

Work on your character

I know you're a Leo but it doesn't mean you're allowed to decide about everything and do everything your way. Learn to make compromises. Your lack of empathy pushes people away from you - you'll need to start realizing you're not the only one who's got a lot on your plate. Also, stop manipulating me, it's not working, I see through it. To put it bluntly: I just read an article about a woman who spent two years in a relationship with a violent man. She described the man's behavior. It stroke me that you behave exactly like the man in the article except that you only use mental violence, not physical. What should I think of this? At least I think that you need help but you refuse to realize it yourself.

Now the only remaining thing is to find someone to deliver this message to you. Because you haven't listened when I've told you. That's a pity.

Anyone else having thoughts along these lines?

7 comments:

  1. Hi, it's me again, the anonymous from before who used to date a man very similar to your husband.

    So yea, I've had experiences like this. Unfortunately, I have no words of encouragement to give, this was a problem I could not solve. I'm glad you realise that some of this is clearly destructive behaviour, and that in reality it most of the time has absolutely nothing to do with you personally. He's just acting out, a bit like a child or a teenager, who hasn't really learned yet how to process feelings productively. Some people never learn.

    And I seriously feel for you with the "stop swearing and look for the damn keys" department! NOTHING in life annoys me more than people who spend loads of time complaining about things that have to be done anyway. All the time they spend on complaining could have been spent on actually doing that annoying but unavoidable thing and it would be over by now! Argh. It's so hard not to say this out loud to some people at times...

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    1. Oh hi, welcome back! It's fantastic to hear from someone who has dealt with similar issues. Because, after spending almost seven years with a guy like this, I have often thought I cause the crybaby behavior myself. I simply start suspecting my own sense and sensibility although I've came to realize later that he does it no matter how nice I try to be.

      I showed Husband a newspaper article the other day where two therapists were interviewed. The article listed different negative roles which people might adapt in their relationships: mother, caretaker, poisoner, displeased, achiever, leader, patient, adapter... There were some more as well. I thought about the roles by myself first and asked then Husband which two he thought us two are embracing. He pointed out leader+mother to me and leader+displeased for himself. I had thought the same roles for Husband and felt like screaming "DO YOU REALIZE THAT YOU WILL SUCK ANYONE EMPTY IN NO TIME WITH THAT COMBINATION!". Just think: someone will want to decide about everything but will never be pleased no matter what the other part does. I had thought that I would be an adapter and achiever but Husband has a point: I have changed my behavior during the years with him.

      I want to please people, often too much. With Husband that doesn't obviously work. Since I started to realize this I changed my behavior: I stopped negotiating and just started to make decisions myself ignoring him. He hates it. I also started telling him "I'm better at this than you, let me do it" if I wanted to mark my territory. He hates that too. But I think something has changed because he feels that I'm adapting such dominating roles. It's just that I'm not comfortable. I'm not feeling well in this relationship.

      And oh, I've come up with a technique that works quite well when the crybaby attack happens. Like this (these are both true stories):

      A. Husband has had a fight with his dad, comes home and says he's going to kill himself.

      What I'd done before (doesn't work, only makes the attack worse): "Oh come on honey, it's ok, calm down, it'll go over, would you like a massage?"

      What I did now (he got over it in 15 minutes): "Just keep in mind that we will get no insurance money with the kids, the insurance doesn't cover suicide." (continued reading my book)

      B. Husband is angry after that he heard me mentioning to our neighbour that he doesn't come home before 8 PM from work. He says no-one appreciates his efforts and that he should become a wino since they don't have to be responsible for anything.

      My approach before (only makes the whining worse): "You're everything to us, you know that, I just wish you'd spend more time with us since I'm tired too."

      What I did now (end of whining in 10 minutes): "OK. Just let me know when you start so we can disappear with the kids. I need a moment to pack."

      I know I'm a horrible person but going down to his level for a moment actually helps. :D Gee, this became a long story...

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    2. So I guess the point I wanted to make is that when I stopped being a victim and a carpet for him he has actually learned something. The problem is just that I'm not comfortable (he neither I guess but I sort of consider him hopeless) with this setup. If I need to fight all the time I just don't want to carry on anymore. This is probably why I blog in the first place.

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  2. I so relate to this technique. When He says life is too hard and He will move out, I kindly remind Him that we have joint custody and that the Girl will spend 50% of time with Him, so it won't get tht much easier. I know, kind of nasty but ends His complaints quickly.

    Ano from elephant thread (we need nick names :)

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    1. Ouch, you mean lady! :D But hey, is it any less nasty to threaten with moving out or killing himself/other crap (like Husband does)? I think not. It's nice to hear that someone else has the courage to use the same technique as well *and* that it works. I think the magic lies somehow in positioning yourself differently in the conversation. Not to let yourself be threatened.

      And yes, nicknames would be a super idea! Go creative ladies!

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  3. I seem to have found another way of getting Him to be nicer (in addition to reminding of joint custody). We actually had a long conversation for about millionth time but his time something got through Him and He admitted that He has been quite sellfish. But what really changed his attitude was that wo days later we found out that we are having a second baby, quite unplanned.

    I'm hoping that the coming 7,5 months will make a permanent change. And if not, I'll be coming here a lot for peer support!


    - Stiina

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    1. I'm so keeping my thumbs up for you guys because in my opinion a baby won't "heal" the relationship per se. At least in our house things got much busier after Daughter was born and teamwork would have been a must. They say that 1+1 kids is more than two kids, it makes sense. I don't want to frighten you, I just think two small kids really requires input from both parents. And you're welcome for peer support no matter how things proceed. ;)

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